The Best Worst Songs Ever

Today, sitting around the Freelance Writers’ Salon pretending to do work but actually playing on the Twitterz, Andrew and I were having a cheesy music play-off. Well, I was hitting him with a mixtape I’d thrown together in about 15 minutes full of tunes we collectively described as ‘so bad they’re good’. (He did say that I should also add Rosanna by Toto to make the list complete, although I’d put that firmly in the ‘so bad it’s bad’ category.)

Because it’s a topic so close to my heart, I put at least 20 minutes’ thought into this post of the 10 best ‘so bad they’re good’ songs ever committed to vinyl (or CD or iTunes). Please, for the sake of your health, I urge you not to listen to them all at once.

10. Two Princes / The Spindoctors
Sorry if you’d managed to forget about this shocker, but I guarantee that at a trashy party where everyone is trashed and getting trashier you can put this on and people will dance to it. In fact, that seems to be a theme running through the list that is forthcoming.

9. Love Really Hurts Without You / Billy Ocean
The opening line is ‘You run around town like a fool and you think that it’s groovy’. ’Nuff said. Except to say that I danced to this a lot in various Brisbane nightclubs back in the 80s. Yep, that was one shocking decade. Another case of so bad it was bad, you might say.

8. Dream Police / Cheap Trick
This came very close to not making the list, not because it’s too good but because it’s so appalling bad. The only thing that drags it back is the big ‘Ev’ry single night’ that occurs throughout the song. It’s not much, but it’s all the dream police have got. (Apart from getting inside of your head and driving you insane.)

7. I’m Coming Out / Diana Ross
When the disco diva sings ‘I’m coming out, I want the world to know, got to let it show’ I’m pretty sure she’s not talking about anything even resembling lesbonic action. But, and bear with me here, listen to this song as if that is what she’s warbling about and it takes on a whole new layer of snickerliciousness.

6. White Lines (Don’t Do It) / Grandmaster Flash & Melle Mel
There’s a message in that there rap, and it’s that you should never use the sound of someone snorting blow in a song. All together now: ‘FREE BASE!’

5. U Can’t Touch This / MC Hammer
At a friend’s most excellent Hollywood-themed 30th birthday party, the big stereo somehow blew up. The alternative was an iPod with not too many party-style tunes. Apart from this one. Every time it played the dancing got more frenzied. Rick James, whose completely awesome Super Freak was madly sampled on this track, sued Hammer for breach of copyright (and embarrassment). James was then given millions of bucks as the co-creator (and went into hiding).*

4. Let’s Go / The Cars
Best. Hand claps. Ever.

3. Brick House / The Commodores
Most of the band’s ballads were total pus, but if you can’t shake what your mama gave you to this track there’s something not at all mighty-mighty about your bad self.

2. Oh What A Woman /Glen Campbell
Glen Campbell is righteous. Rhinestone Cowboy. Galveston. Witchita Lineman. By The Time I Get to Phoenix. Granted, he didn’t write any of ’em, but they are great versions one and all. I know this because Andrew and I even went to see Senor Campbell at the Palais in St Kilda back at the end of 2009. This story would be so much better if he actually did write Oh What A Woman, but you can’t have everything. If you’ve never heard it, hunt it out. In the meantime, here’s a taster:
‘Well she cleans my house, she sews my britches, scratches my back every time it itches,
Cooks my food and has my young ’uns, makes me proud that she's my woman, yeah.’
Aw, Glen, you ol’ smoothie you.

And coming in at the number one position *drum roll*...

Only The Good Die Young / Billy Joel
Never, ever will I apologise for loving this song sick. It’s about a horny tearaway trying to get into a Catholic girl’s (presumably white, since she's got a nice white dress for her confirmation) knickers, and yet there’s something just so completely vanilla about it. According to those know-it-alls at Wikipedia, it was banned on many radio stations when released because people thought it was anti-Catholic. Or perhaps they just objected to Billy Joel.

* All true, except the bits in the brackets, which I made up.